Monday, January 26, 2009

Chapter 1

“You know they put meat in them anyway”, I say and she rolls her eyes.
To think that snotty little bitch used to be the apple of my eye. Then they grow up and fuck it all up. She must get it from her mother’s mother side. I mean vegan. What the hell is she not eating meat for? Animals, fuck the animals. Cows were slow enough to be penned. So we lock ‘em up. Feed ‘em, and eat ‘em. But what really pisses me off is the no dairy things. I mean she claims to love cows but to complain when we drain the painful milk load from its fucking teat. She is not lactose intolerant, some times I catch her eating ice cream. We don't buy the soy shit so she is forced to compromise. And she‘ll eat fish. Some reason to her, its bad to axe up a goat and make curry, but its okay to trawl up more fish than anyone will ever eat, so that it’s 89c a can, one stacked on another trying to claim they don’t harm dolphins while stealing their food. Shit smells bad too, fucking tuna
“Dad the parade is starting”
Yeah I noticed. My son, kid’s a bloody genius. 11 full years and he is still wetting the bed. Came home form school the other day and went crying to the missus that some kids at school called him a fag. Fuck, kids can be cruel sometime, but far be it from me to say he ain’t . I mean sure his balls ain’t dropped yet but he’s always been a little momma’s boy, playing with his sister’s dolly’s, playing dress up. It’s been a few years now cause Val grew out of it. Now he is in boy’s scout and I think the only thing he has learned is to sew. Probably end up on one of those flamboyant cable shows: where they tell people how ugly their clothes are, and whisk them off to makeup they will never keep up and over priced clothes.
She finished her stupid vegetarian hotdog
“You know they just stuff the veggie dogs with parts of animals that taste like tofu, mainly brains and hoofs”.
“Honey!” The wife says it rightly exasperated, “Can we please just enjoy the parade as a family.”
Parade, pah! This is hardly a parade. They don’t throw candy or nothing and yet all the jack asses start lining up on the street five hours early .how close do you really have to be to a marching band, marching band, float, marching band. When I was in Germany few years back now, they had a fucking parade that was a blast. Thing went all day and the people chanted for candy and flowers, every person in costume, beer on sale at every bar.
“What the hell?” A sharp glare hit my eye, like some one gleaming it with one of those laser pointers. I am looking but I cant tell where it came from, maybe I am just passing out from boredom.
Ain’t the kids little old for this anyways? I mean, the wife came to Toronto to see her sister, and then the kids dragged us to see it. I mean, they are fourteen and eleven; Toronto ain’t such a scary place. I would have just given em a couple bills to make their way, but missus insisted they need supervision. Maybe she is right. I mean, I think Ryan still believes in Santa Claus but wife just wanted to get out of her sister’s house, because every time we visit she feels like a country mouse .she doesn’t realize her sister’s life is a complete facade build on debts and designer labels. How can she get jealous of such a big ugly brown purse with a bunch of ugly gold poppies on it?
“Look dad it’s Buzz Light-year”
“Yeah, wow,” not the smartest tool in the shed by any means. Whoop tee, some poor bastards sweating his balls off in the costume probably as ugly as sin, and when he puts the mask on he gets all the love and attention he has ever wanted, once a year from seven year olds. Probably a pedophile, or could be a chick, who knows…
“What are you smiling at hon? “
“Nothing, oh nothing. Look there, baton twirlers.”
Baton twirlers, humph, like that poor dude might be a chick, a chick can end up being a dude. One night long before I met my wife, I was getting hammered and this chick keeps throwing me fuck eyes over her sunglasses now you would think I would be smarten enough not to mess with anyone stupid enough to wear sunglasses indoors, but I indulged as the intoxicated are apt to do. We threw each other pouty smirks. She wasn’t the best looking piece of meat in the room, but there comes a time in a single man’s life where he’ll jack his cock off in any vagina so he doesn’t have to go home and face the sock. I walk all over all suave like, just to talk. I sit down beside her with my drink, toast her, and we both take a gulp. Deal breaker. I saw that Adams apple bob and I jetted. Could have bean the nicest man/woman in the world, but it just creeped me right the fuck out.
“Honey look, daddies company has a float in this year’s parade “
“Now I know where my Christmas bonus went. “
The stingy bastard I work for is her father, so my tongue is generally sore from biting it but this year he cut out all bonuses claiming it as a recessionary measure, yet he has money to invest in this fifty foot, five mile and hour eye sore. If it weren’t for my devotion to his daughter, I tell him exactly where to shove that thing, where the tinsel doesn’t twinkle.
Don’t get me wrong I love my wife and kids, be they fag or vegan I guess I just don’t know how is got here. Standing on the street shivering cold standing amongst the fruit of my lions, mother of my children, and a bunch of slag jawed snorting coughing strangers, for some fat guy in a costume. For this we all sit through twenty marching bands and a hundred over sized advertisement. My favorite thing in Köln was it didn’t seem so corporate. My German wasn’t the greatest at the time, but it seemed to be more celebration than tradition. Europe even does Christmas better with its small fairs and drinking hot wines in the streets.
“Here he comes dad, look! “
I look down the road but hear a crack and see a flash out the corner of my eye. Nothings up there, I swear I might have seen something.
Then the noise started. Ear splitting screams across the whole corridor the Santa float stopped. People began to swarm it with camera phones, sirens blared in all directions. I watched as my little girl runs off to join the fray, phone in her hand, stupid kids.

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